cherish your childhood.

well i was told that a lot as a kid. am i still a kid, not as much as i would like to think. yes i act foolish and light hearted on the outside, but if someone was to explore my mind, they would probably discover it to be very dark. a gloomy place, where dreams and hopes are questioned and analyzed until they are just totally forgotten.

over the past few weeks i have had to grow up a little faster then i have wanted to. which makes me sad because now i have to become responsible. not just for grades, but my family. i have to take care of them now. have to make sure that my little brothers and mom haven't become depressed. try to help relive some stress from my mothers burden. and help my dad and grandfather to be comfortable.

so for my birthday honestly i just want one thing, for everyone that i love to be nice at least. no drama, no nonsense, no fights. that would just make everything so much easier for me. i know not everyone likes each other but if you could at least pretend not even for the whole day but 3 hours, i don't think that is asking too much...

you want an grand interance, well you sure got one

oh dear what's the date?
i am not sure.
days are lost to me.
they just pass by.
no memories.
no joy.
so what's the point?

i should be happy, but i am not.
things are looking hopeful, but i hopelessly depressed.
we should be celebrating, but i am sulking.


i don't know why i feel this way, but i do. yes, my grandfather is getting his surgery tomorrow, not sure if he is staying in the hospital or coming. then on thursday, my dad is going back to the cancer doctor to get an iv put in him, so that inserting kemo will be easier. he will be on kemo for 3 at first, the doctors will see if it is helping and then continue another 3 months. so a grand total of 6 months...but this is all just second hand information so i am not sure what is true and what is not.

so i should be happy about all that, but i don't know what to feel or think anymore. my headaches and nausea have returned. so they don't really help the whole concentration part.

it's time...

to do something so big,
that it can't be fixed.

she has been knocking at my door,
taunting me for years.
a little seductive smile.
oh no, i let her in.
what have i done?
do i care?
not anymore because she is here.

i really want to fuck my life up right now. eh crazy, maybe, but that's what i want to do. i want to hurt people, regret nothing, don't look back, laugh in peoples faces, in simple terms i want to be a bitch!

i am sick of people using me for their own gain and i ultimately wind up feeling terrible in the end, so i am done. see i just lied, i am way to much a nice person to do that. bloody hell i hate myself for that. i care too much about people. god...okay went to the er the other day, most people know what happened and i don't feel like typing the whole thing, but there is a wee bit more to that story then i said...

okay so i was waiting in the main room of the er, not where you sign in but in the back. okay, there is this cube area where all the nurses are, my grandfather wasn't in one the rooms. he was against one of the walls of the cube, facing the doors where the ambulances drop off people. oh wait it gets better, so i was leaning against the wall attempting to do some homework, well i couldn't after what i saw. so an ambulance pulled up, the paramedics were quickly getting this guy out the vehicle, most of the time they take their time. but not this time. this man was lying on the bed thing, he started to hyperventilate. shaking uncontrollably, his eyes where shut thanks goodness because i am sure they had a lot of pain in them. he was going to get sick is what one of the nurses yelled. another one yelled no! he is going into cardiac arrest. so right in front of me all this was happening, my grandfather didn't see it because he was laying down. i was terrified.

then right after that happened, really maybe 10 minutes later, this girl maybe 8 years old, red face, tears racing down her face. she was in a wheel car, with her right leg up, why? because her foot was gushing blood. it was a bullet wound.

personally i would hate to be in the medical career. dealing with diseases, trying to heal flesh and bones, and death. i would eventually wind up in a terrible depression. i admire doctors and nurses for these reasons. because they find the strength some where to deal with all this. so i thank them.

yes i did get a little off topic with this post. i will try to make a happy one next time.

second post of the day?:D

oh yes it is:] haha i love how my blog can be serious some times and then it can be very little hearted and cheerful. i LOVE IT!!!:D

anywho, besides that happy thought i have to say i love my friends. like eh they make me sooo happy. so justin and i were watching futurama, lol not together sadly:[ we will when we live together though:D so we were texting each other back and fourth repeating lines, pointing out random stuff twas awesome. and suddenly this thought occurred to me...futurama...MARATHON!!!!!! yeah amazing, i know xD but yeah we are going to save that one till summer because well its another thing to look forward to and hey most days one gets pretty bored during the summer.

also from watching tv saw the alice in wonderland trailer, well one i haven't seen. ohly shit!!!!:D that movie looks wicked! i really hope it will be as good as it looks, psh i know it will be. yeah deffly looking forward to seeing that haha.

wow i such a loser. rereading that i have a lot of smiley faces and ! whatever those are called i forget xD see there i go again.

oh man but yeah alice doesn't come out till march:/ so have to wait two weeks. which isn't that bad only have to go to school for three days now, yeah no school tomorrow. i am kinda sad about that because i kinda miss school. not the whole sitting in a chair for six hours ohly shit i have no clue how i have been able to do that for like ten years now xD but yeah i like going to see friends, talk to people i don't know yeah i am that kid haha i love talking to people though. and i am looking forward to this weekend too. possibly having a gathering with some cool kids on friday win! and then seeing wolfman on saturday with an extremely cool kid, okay i call everyone kid even if they are older then me xD but yeah funness:DDD

the week after that well is my birthday week...my mom keeps talking about it o.o like a few days ago she threatened she would hire some clowns, yeah i am terrified of clowns. but today she was all (in mom voice) "JACKIE!!!! why haven't you planned anything for your birthday? its in a week almost!" garrr blahblahblah so yeah she made more threats about clowns. so i had to...give in. she asked for a list of people that i would consider inviting. so i had a list of like twenty people i believe. then she wanted a few people's numbers. yet again with the threats, so i had to give them to her for my own good. lol. apparently this evil woman is planning something that involves laser quest, my friends, and possibly clowns o.o i hope no clowns.

but in all honestly i don't really want a big party, because well i don't want to spend that much money right now. for obvious reasons. but i mean maybe a small party i guess would be okay, or none at all hahaha i would be fine with that :D

banner??? hmm

lol so i was inspired by justin's banner, which i love:D i have loved them all. so i thought hey i want to make one. well not as good as justin's but hey i have one know and not too bad for the my first one if i say so myself xD

so many questions, but not many answers

they stand there with their hopeless faces.
wishing someone would show them the way.
maybe today,
maybe tomorrow.
but for now,
they don't know the way.

valentines day

-oh i love you
-i love you too. here is a box of chocolates,
i hope you get diabetes and die from this box of chocolates.
-wh, what?
-just eat the chocolates. MUAHAHAHA

okay sorry that was kinda weird but hey i thought it was funny.

anywho, valentine's day. ugh i hate this day so much. like why do we as humans force ourselves to this stupid, unnecessary, and evil day? personally if i could skip any day, like sleep the whole it would be this day, oh and probably whatever day i have my chem final...besides that, yeah people have very mixed feelings about this day. some people like me obviously don't like this day and find it unnecessary. others absolutely love it, and probably do find it be a holy day (hahaha get holiday xDD)

yes, i have a boyfriend and shouldn't find this day so evil. but hey this is the first time i have had a boyfriend on valentine's day and personally it wouldn't matter to me if i was single on valentine's day or in a relationship. because either way it sucks. it sucks if you are single because you want to be with someone, not necessarily in a relationship, but not alone. and well the way i see it in a relationship is okay, this is the only day i can prove that i really care for this person? fuck that. every day i like to prove that i genuinely care him, yeah if you are reading this you are one lucky bastard xDD oh lordy i am so kidding, tis deffly the other way around. i am lucky one<3

anywho enough of my stupid relationshipness thing, yeah i just don't see why getting someone a heart shaped box of chocolates, maybe a card, or some stuffed thing is showing that you love someone. hmm maybe its the thought that someone put behind it that shows they love their significant other, or well maybe that is how they show how they love someone. (please don't be the second one, yeah that's not good)

i don't know. i feel like i ranted enough about valentine's day for a long time. hell i am already sick of tying that holiday, so i am deffly done. haha i will try to keep with my random ranting at least every other day.

alright now i am done.

Pardon me, wanna live in a fantasy

reality is not my thing.
full of pain and sorrow,
words don't even begin to explain.
but simply, it hurts, and nothing is what i want.
does that make me selfish?
i just wanna live in fantasy,
where everything is made of dreams and hopes.
going to place like that,
does it make me selfish?


i have to say i am very thankful for having my friends in my life. especially yesterday, when i needed someone to talk to. thank you.

i know that i shouldn't bottle my emotions up but i do. it is just easier for me to act like everything is fine, go on with life. but that attitude made me sick. the week of midterms, the same week my dad was having his surgery. i made myself sick from not telling anyone how i feel. like legit sick, massive headaches, were i couldn't concentrate on things, and bad nauseate. even before that week i was sick, not the physical symptom way but hurting myself. yes, i did cut myself is that something i proud to display no. my scars remind me that i was weak, i refused to talk to anyone and that was my way of letting some emotions out. anger, sadness, confusion, and most of all fear. so i would look for distractions to ease my mind. and it worked for almost two weeks...

but then i made myself sick again, this time it was the physical symptoms and hurting myself. but this time a few friends noticed something was wrong. i talked to them, scared one, and hopefully became closer to them because i did open up in that way, which has always scared me. feeling vulnerable is not something i enjoy. but it did help.

later that night i was doing better, yes, but my grandfather noticed something was still wrong. he sat me down we talked lightly for an hour or so then he came down and asked how do you feel. like i really haven't been asked that question in the way he asked it. he wasn't looking for a quick answer, he sure as hell wasn't looking for nothing is wrong so i told him that i honestly don't know how i feel. like no joke i guess i had bottled my emotions for so long that i honestly had no clue which emotion was which. i felt like i child, just learning what emotions were. i told him i was scared of reality, scared that the worst is going to happen. that wasn't enough he wanted more of an answer, i didn't know what to say. but then he asked what if your father died, i asked what of it. he told me to say that aloud...well words are very powerful. i broke down. but just saying that aloud made me feel better and knowing that i am not alone in this frightful journey. i know everyone has said that they would do whatever they could to help, and now i believe it.

thank you. for everything

i am sorry

i realize out of everything i say, i say this the most. i am sorry ryad but i just couldn't last a week without saying this, hell i couldn't last one day. yes i fail and i am sorry, for everything. i just want to be forgiven.

is it wrong...

to want to escape your house, your family, all because you are selfish. you don't want to stay because they remind you of death, crushed dreams, dead hope. what do you do? when you can't. no one will give you an escape. how low would you sink? go into the deepest corners to find an escape, go to extremes, go places you never thought you would. lose a little bit of your soul either way, from staying or trying to find an escape. is it even worth it? it it wrong?