Pardon me, wanna live in a fantasy

reality is not my thing.
full of pain and sorrow,
words don't even begin to explain.
but simply, it hurts, and nothing is what i want.
does that make me selfish?
i just wanna live in fantasy,
where everything is made of dreams and hopes.
going to place like that,
does it make me selfish?


i have to say i am very thankful for having my friends in my life. especially yesterday, when i needed someone to talk to. thank you.

i know that i shouldn't bottle my emotions up but i do. it is just easier for me to act like everything is fine, go on with life. but that attitude made me sick. the week of midterms, the same week my dad was having his surgery. i made myself sick from not telling anyone how i feel. like legit sick, massive headaches, were i couldn't concentrate on things, and bad nauseate. even before that week i was sick, not the physical symptom way but hurting myself. yes, i did cut myself is that something i proud to display no. my scars remind me that i was weak, i refused to talk to anyone and that was my way of letting some emotions out. anger, sadness, confusion, and most of all fear. so i would look for distractions to ease my mind. and it worked for almost two weeks...

but then i made myself sick again, this time it was the physical symptoms and hurting myself. but this time a few friends noticed something was wrong. i talked to them, scared one, and hopefully became closer to them because i did open up in that way, which has always scared me. feeling vulnerable is not something i enjoy. but it did help.

later that night i was doing better, yes, but my grandfather noticed something was still wrong. he sat me down we talked lightly for an hour or so then he came down and asked how do you feel. like i really haven't been asked that question in the way he asked it. he wasn't looking for a quick answer, he sure as hell wasn't looking for nothing is wrong so i told him that i honestly don't know how i feel. like no joke i guess i had bottled my emotions for so long that i honestly had no clue which emotion was which. i felt like i child, just learning what emotions were. i told him i was scared of reality, scared that the worst is going to happen. that wasn't enough he wanted more of an answer, i didn't know what to say. but then he asked what if your father died, i asked what of it. he told me to say that aloud...well words are very powerful. i broke down. but just saying that aloud made me feel better and knowing that i am not alone in this frightful journey. i know everyone has said that they would do whatever they could to help, and now i believe it.

thank you. for everything