it's time...

to do something so big,
that it can't be fixed.

she has been knocking at my door,
taunting me for years.
a little seductive smile.
oh no, i let her in.
what have i done?
do i care?
not anymore because she is here.

i really want to fuck my life up right now. eh crazy, maybe, but that's what i want to do. i want to hurt people, regret nothing, don't look back, laugh in peoples faces, in simple terms i want to be a bitch!

i am sick of people using me for their own gain and i ultimately wind up feeling terrible in the end, so i am done. see i just lied, i am way to much a nice person to do that. bloody hell i hate myself for that. i care too much about people. god...okay went to the er the other day, most people know what happened and i don't feel like typing the whole thing, but there is a wee bit more to that story then i said...

okay so i was waiting in the main room of the er, not where you sign in but in the back. okay, there is this cube area where all the nurses are, my grandfather wasn't in one the rooms. he was against one of the walls of the cube, facing the doors where the ambulances drop off people. oh wait it gets better, so i was leaning against the wall attempting to do some homework, well i couldn't after what i saw. so an ambulance pulled up, the paramedics were quickly getting this guy out the vehicle, most of the time they take their time. but not this time. this man was lying on the bed thing, he started to hyperventilate. shaking uncontrollably, his eyes where shut thanks goodness because i am sure they had a lot of pain in them. he was going to get sick is what one of the nurses yelled. another one yelled no! he is going into cardiac arrest. so right in front of me all this was happening, my grandfather didn't see it because he was laying down. i was terrified.

then right after that happened, really maybe 10 minutes later, this girl maybe 8 years old, red face, tears racing down her face. she was in a wheel car, with her right leg up, why? because her foot was gushing blood. it was a bullet wound.

personally i would hate to be in the medical career. dealing with diseases, trying to heal flesh and bones, and death. i would eventually wind up in a terrible depression. i admire doctors and nurses for these reasons. because they find the strength some where to deal with all this. so i thank them.

yes i did get a little off topic with this post. i will try to make a happy one next time.