Confused on multiple levels

I feel like I have pissed off so many people right now. And I am not sure why. I just want some answers that's all I want.

And one day everything will be great

Well I am pretty stoked right now. I took a nap, working on some homework right now (okay obviously not right now, kinda typing) and I just ordered the skinid. My friend has it and she says it works amazingly and well I can see that it does. So I am hoping it arrives soon and I can be rid of acne! God wouldn't that be great. Well I think so. Anywho going to finish my homework.

Concert

Okay so I went to see one of my favorite bands ever this Saturday, well it was pretty good but not exactly the best one I have been to. And here is why.

1. Too many damn little kids. Okay yes I understand there are some kids that like some of these bands and it was a Saturday night but holy shit, when I am moshing with kids shorter than me (I am not quite tall) you know that ain't right. And plus they are fucking annoying, like OHMYGOD THAT IS SOOOOO ORGASMIC!!! Yeah that gets very old, very fast.

2. Because of all the little kids the bands barely put any effort. I mean think about it, if your job is to pump up the crowd and there are a hundred little thirteen year olds screaming their stupid heads off then the bands don't have to really do much. All they have to do is strum on their guitars and barely sing. So not much enthusiasm from the bands.

3. The screamer for In Fear and Faith left the band...yeah not happy.

4. One of the amps just blew and the mic that the lead singer for Pierce The Veil was using broke not even half way through the set.

Okay enough venting. Good news going to see Pierce the Veil again in January.

If I screamed out, would anyone hear me?

I feel what a million other people feel. I feel alone. Pathetic. Worthless. I haven't honestly felt this way in such a long time. I was so happy and chipper, what happened? Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? Yes I am honestly say depressed. I actually do feel like slipping back into old habits again and maybe even the final jump. Because to be quite honest how many people would really care? Not many.

I have learned that people just use you. They only act like they enjoy your company and conversations, until they finally are done with. And it isn't as simple as tossing something into the trash either. Nope, these people spit you up and leave in the most horrible way imaginable. Either it being pure evil, humiliating, or a combination of the two. I honestly hate most people there are very few that I can tolerate. And for some reason people don't understand this concept. If I don't want to talk or I am ignoring you, take a hint.

With that said I hate, hate people touching me. And I know damn right why I hate people touching me. One of my friends laughed as I told her the story because it happened to someone else we knew and the fact that I even attempted to trust this person was stupid. Yes I realize this now. But because of the whole situation I don't let many people touch me. If you haven't noticed, I cringe when most people do. Hello? If I am trying to get away from you when you attempt to touch get the fuck away from me.

I just really, really hate people. And yes because of my thoughts like these ultimately it is going to be my own fault that I will be alone forever, but at the same time it is other people's faults. I have tried and tried so many times to like people, but I always get hurt. So I am done trying. Yes I have become more of a bitch lately because that's the only way I know who to protect myself now. Because ultimately everyone is out to hurt you in one way or another.

I am what I am

And I am an attention whore. I have realized this now, I love attention, I craze it, I need it. And when I don't have any I get depressed. That's probably the reason I would like to be in a relationship at this point in time, because I need attention, not because I need drama or someone to love. Oh hell no! I do not want drama, I hate it, and I definitely don't need someone who I will care about and then they go and fuck me over. That's all relationships are to me. They are only an illusion to the inevitable. In all honesty how many relationship actually last now a days? A couple, a few? Not many that's for sure.

So yes I am an attention whore. And just maybe someone will be able to give me all the attention I need that it will be like tricking myself into believing that I am in love. Because isn't that what relationships and love really are?

I have an addiction.

And the first step is admitting I have a problem.

Yup, I am addicting to trying to look perfect. I want perfect skin, a perfect body, perfect hair, I just want to look perfect, and guess what I am probably going to kill myself trying to do it, or annoy the shit out of people. I have tried sooo many skin products to even count anymore. I have finally discovered the beauty in waxing and holy shit I love it! Now I just need to lose some weight and get rid of my fucking acne.

As hair as my hair goes I love, love, LOVE changing it. So I am going to continue with that. I might be a ginger next. God I love gingers, anywho but yeah I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it.

Just look into the crystal ball and see your future

Well to be quite frank I don't see myself as having much of future. I mean I haven't any idea what I am going to do after I get out of school which is less than two fucking years! (where did the time go?) The only little bit of future I see is me living in a run down apartment, barely making the rent each month, and having one friend, a little cat. That is all I see. No friends, shitty job, (oh but multiple shitty jobs) just drinking every night trying to forget what a waste of space I am.

College life, haha, I don't see it. Married life, fuck that. I am not meant to have a happy, princess ending. I am just going to go out, without anyone watching or caring.

Singing rocks speak a true message

What is love? Is it real? Is it only a silly fantasy that Disney made to sell movies? Is it for everyone?

I haven't a clue in the world. But as I hang out with kids who say they are in love and have been in relationships for months and years I start to question. So many questions that I cannot even word. I see my friends who are romantic and they treat there girlfriends in the best way. Is it too much to ask to have that type of attention for even 5 minutes? I think so. Because all the attention I get is, oh hot damn! You down to fuck?!?!?! In all honesty do I look like I am going to fuck any guy that comes and talks to me? Am I that desperate looking? Or do I just look like a straight up slut? I don't know.

Please let this feeling being wrong

I see you in my dreams. You are yelling at me, but then silence falls upon you, and you turn a ghostly white. Your eyes shut and then I wake up. Half scared to death, half scared of reality.

I really hope this week goes well I am scared again, and I know this is sad but I am constantly crying, despite the fights, pain and annoyance you have put me through I still love you so much. I want this to be the end of your disease, I don't want to see you in any more pain. I want for you to be able to see me graduate next year, I want to watch football and hockey with you. I just want you to be in my life. I have already lost someone this year so please don't leave me. I am still in so much pain and I need so much help. I can't think of anything else to say but just don't leave me.

Whoa, don't touch me there...

THAT IS MY PRIVATE SQUARE! Hahaha! My friends are pretty amazing

Okay so this weekend was amazing! First off, hung out with a great friend who I haven't hung out sense summer, yeah tooo long! That won't happen again, hopefully. But we were planning out futures and it was kind of fun, to see where we think we will end up in the next few years. We both have high expectations and big dreams but I believe anything is possible so we will see happens.

On Saturday I went to my first concert! Okay I love the energy the people it is amazing! It just made me more stoked for the PIERCE THE VEIL concert I am going to in Dec

I haven't been sleeping much so I think I might get sick before too long...I don't have time to get sick! I have too many plans too many people to see, there just is not enough time in the world. Oh well though. On an amazing note interim grades get cut this friday and this kid is getting switched out of english!!!!

I lied

I can't stop writing right now. I don't know but I feel like I just have to continue. Why can't this type of writing be acceptable in school? I feel like this is better than writing about a research paper. I don't know all I know is that I am a mess right now. I wish I wasn't just right now is a low. Too many thoughts going through my head. I can't stop them, they are out of control. They keep spinning and I keep falling. And no one is there to catch me. Everyone else just ignores me, they only come around when they find it convenient or need something. All I am to them is a tool, useful everyone now and then but for the most part I just sit in my box left alone until they need me. And I hate it. I am sick of it, but there is nothing I can do. Because I am afraid to be alone, so I apologize for any venting that I do. I only have one fear and it is the fear of being alone. Nothing else scares me. Not heights, snakes, bugs, fire, maybe not even death. But when I am alone, I go crazy. I feel hurt.

Last one

Not the prettiest,
Not the smartest,
Not the funniest,
Not anything.

I wish I had someone that would take me out on dates,
tell me I look pretty,
just like me for me.
Not compare me to someone before me,
not cheat on me.
Is that too much to ask?\
I guess so.

A douche once told me,
I am an attention whore.
Yes this is true,
I love attention.
Is that what I really want?
Do I just want someone to tell me I look pretty?
Buy me stuff?
I like to think not.
I like to think that I want love.
I want to buy stuff for someone,
Tell them they are special.
And that they mean the world.
I guess that I want to know how to love.

Lately

I have been so stressed. (when am I not?) But like I really wanted to do well in school like seriously, I have actually been studying french that didn't happen last year at all! And now I am feel like a complete failure because I am failing english already. I have tried so hard to understand what my teacher is talking about but I don't know what he is talking about at all. It is like he is speaking russian or something. Nothing makes sense. Annotate this book, and this letter, oh and this chapter. What the hell!?!? I have no clue how to do that. All I can do is read something and picture it vividly in my mind that's it! I can't find any strategies or whatever that the author is using. I can guess what is going to happen next but that doesn't count for making predictions. I hate english so much. Why can't the school just be content with me reading the books and then talking a bout it? Why must I dissect a beautiful piece of art? I don't understand it!

I also realize I listen to people a lot. Like no one really listens to me. This is truly my only way of saying how I feel. Yes I do have people that would listen to me but I feel bad when I complain, because it just seems like I am whining about how something so small is affecting oh poor me.

A pounding headache and a million reasons to scream.

Days like these really question who I am, who my true friends are, do I really have any?

I really have been pondering this one for a while now. It seems like the people that I use to be close to pushed me away because of what I was doing, some of my choices. So I opened myself to a new group of people, they accepted me with open arms, but then they looked the other way and never looked back. So I don't know where I stand anymore. I would like to say I have one true friend that I know everything about, but I don't. I know people, people know me and that's it. Nothing more than that.

It also seems like the few people I have been hanging with, all they want to do is drink, smoke, and have sex. Personally I want to talk to people, get to know them better. I don't really want to do that stuff anymore. For reasons I have told very few people. But I just want to end that part of my life. But it seems like I can't. Hell I am suppose to go party this weekend, well I don't really want to. I don't feel that great about anything anymore. So with that said, I am out.

You can't hurt me

And there is nothing you can do about that. Yes, you truly want to now, oh but you don't have any right sweetheart. So guess, what I am done dwelling on you. I don't want to hear your name, I HATE THAT NAME. Everyone keeps coming up to me and is like when you are guys getting together, I look at them and laugh. I laugh so hard because you keep feeding this people bullshit. That's all you do. You are an attention whore, a drama queen, an immature person, who has nothing better to do then true and break me. You just want me to crash so hard that I can't get up. But sweetie that isn't going to happen. I am stronger, yes thanks to you. But also to my friends and family. How I love to death. See a funny word love. Hmmm...But I am done with you. I promised and this is the last time I am going to think about you.

There is always a consequence to your choices, there is always two. A good one and a bad one. It is our choice to pick one. God loves us so much that he gave us the ability to choice. Some people pick the bad one, they need to be helped. Other times, they are just a lost cause.

You should've killed me, when you had the chance

So I got grounded the other day, LAME! Any who so I have spent the most time at home in a long time, I am not sure if I really like it. I feel awkward at home and alone. The reason I say this is because I don't know my grandmother, who is here 24/7. I feel as if she is always judging me. And well with my dad's condition, I want to help but there isn't anything I can do. As for being alone, I am one of those people who if they aren't around someone they can joke around with and make some stupid joke then I feel alone and weird. I don't know that doesn't make much sense but that's how I feel.

So to amuse myself I have been reading Harry Potter, which, is not amazing...IT'S FUCKING WICKED!!!! Lolol yeah thank you Shannon for that one xD And I have been writing on my wall again. Which I love to do, because when I just get bored I just stare at my wall and read some of my thoughts. It's kinda nice. But anywho going to read Harry Potter so night Blog :]

Few random quotes from my wall-----

Falling is just a part of learning.

Who knows what will happen, that's life. It's never planned out nice and neat, it would be boring that way. Things will happen because they are meant to.

The world is big and scary. There are too many questions and not enough answers.

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst

Wow

I am 16 years old and I have seen so much but at the same time I have seen nothing.

I am 16 years old and I have been through so much but at the same time I have been through nothing.

I am 16 years old and I am not your typical teen but at the same time I am.

Lately so much has happened. It's hard to believe everything that is happening. I think about things too much and realize that I have changed, I have been changed. I am not sure if it's for the good yet or not. I am not sure of much. It's just right now I really want someone to tell me that they care and I can just cry on there shoulder. It seems that there aren't that many people that I can do that with anymore. I mean I lost one of the most important people in my life the other day. And no I am not okay. It still hurts so much. I miss him so much and I want him back.

I have so much to say but I don't even know anymore if it's worth saying. But hey that's why I have you blog.

I realize that people hurt me, a lot. And you want to know what I do....nothing. I go back to them. I tell them that it's okay but in all honesty I am still crying on the inside. I have been dealing with the pain in ways. But I like to keep that a secret. But to reassure anyone reading this, I don't hurt myself. I don't want to anymore. That was a mistake starting that habit in the first place, I will be forever haunted by those scars and I am not proud.

Maybe I am just a coward. I would like to believe I am strong but I really am not.

I lied...

I decided that I was going to write again. It really does help me just to have a place where I know that all my thoughts will be stored and I can look back upon them and laugh at how silly I was for making a big deal about this and that. Sometimes that's all we need is a good laugh or a good cry.

So lately I don't know what is going on. I have been known to blow things out of proportion...well I have not failed to live that up. My dad has been in the hospital for two weeks now, not sure when he will be getting out...if he will. I hope he does because I miss him a lot. I wish I had the strength to go and see him but I do not. I am weak.

My mom says that the doctors think he has a more likely chance of dieing from malnourishment than his cancer. I don't know what to say to that. But instead I just cry...see the whole weak thing come into play. Yeah, you deffly do.

Then I broke up with one of the nicest guys I had ever put. He really did love me. Why am I so stupid? I know it was a mistake but I can't tell him that. I should just let go. I don't deserve anyone, anything. I don't have the courage to do anything anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole.

Sorry blog

I kinda fail at making in a blog in a while. I have just been really busy lately. Too many things going on, not enough time in the world. I feel like my luck is starting to run out, that I am starting to do stupid stuff and it's all going to get worse. I am thinking about so many things, relationships, money, car, and the most important my dad.

So lets start with relationships. I have started to talk to a friend who I haven't talked to in a few months because of some stupid fight, yeah stupid. So we made up and are going to hang this weekend. Also I am starting to talk to a lot and I mean A LOT more people than ever before. I know like sooo many people now...tis rather weird. And then there are some not so good things about my relationships with some people. I believe that I am going to have to get rid of a few because somethings aren't working for me any more. It's like when you talk and they are staring right into your eyes but aren't really listening to what you are saying or trying to express.

Ugh I don't feel like writing more. And to be honest I don't know how much more I will even use this. Obviously I don't really use it that often so this may be my last blog, if so good-bye blog.

Please stop

Please stop the drama,
The lies,
The hate.
Because I get pissed,
Then I realize that I am to blame,
Even if it isn't my fault at all.
With all the blame I put on myself,
The last step is the black water effect.
Black water effect,
When you cry so much that your mascara runs,
Down your face,
And looks like black water.
So just please stop.
If not from me.
Then for yourself.
Because I do love you.

This is what I want

I want to not be afraid to try new things.
I want to travel the country, with my camera, all the Beatles cds.
I want to capture the beauty and sorrow this world has in it.
I want to love.
I want to fear.
I want to fall so far that I can only go up.
I want to make a difference.


Peoples biggest problem is they don't truly know what they want. They will say they want something, but then a few minutes later they change their mind. Don't get me wrong, I am being a wee bit of a hypocrite, actually that is a lie. I don't normally tell people what I want but I feel like people should know. I have a tendency to go with whatever someone else wants...not anymore. I am sick of people using me and wasting my time. For instance, someone will come talk to me and ask for help. I listen and try to help them as best as I can. Give them advice, hell advice that I know for a fact will work, no I am not conceited I am just right the majority of the time. So what will they go and do? Completely ignore what I told them and then they come back complaining to me. Um...hello you dumb fuck I told you what to do and you didn't listen what makes you think that I am going to spend anymore time on you...well I am. Why? Because I have a tendency to care about people too much. Eh, bad thing? Hell yeah. Good thing? Can be when they care about me. But I am learning that I am just wasting my time on these people, so I am done with them. I am not going to listen to everyone's sob story. The truth is I don't care anymore!

I would just love to have a house with a tree in the middle of it. I think it is beautiful and for me it represents that we live with nature.

With a little help from my friends

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends

It is time for us to grow up.

Parents always tell us that we will make mistakes.
It is part of growing up.
But the part that some people don't get is,
Is learning from our mistakes.
Learning to accept the consequences.
Learning to acknowledge you screwed up.

It's all but a story now...

Here I am to weave you a story,
A story about love, trust, respect,
And a lost friendship.
One girl choose the wrong person,
A hateful, rude, disrespectful,
Just all in all mean boy.
Over her friend.
That loved her for who she was.
Looked past all her flaws and mistakes,
Dispute everyone else.
She did love that girl, still does.
But she lost all respect for that girl.
She can't trust that girl.
He was only looking for attention.
He wanted to make her friend angry.
Scream and yell.
He got his attention.
The friend spent the night with people she didn't know that well.
But she felt like she had known them forever.
Despite all the drama the friend had a great time.
She doesn't regret anything,
It wasn't her fault.
She isn't going to say sorry.
She isn't going to get hurt again.
It's all but a story now.
Something in their past.
It cannot be rewritten.
So why do we continue to mourn our stories?

What's wrong with me?

Constantly making a big deal about everything.
From small things to big things,
And everything in between.
My life isn't that bad,
But I continue to complain.

So tell me to shut up.
Tell me you are sick of me.
Just kick me down.
Don't let me back up,
Until I realize,
That I do have a good life.

What's wrong now you ask?
I have nothing to say,
Because nothing is really wrong.
I just want attention.
So I mop around,
With hair in my face,
A frown,
A few tears,
And a blade.
What's wrong with me?
Nothing is.
I just love to complain.

So tell me to shut up.
Tell me you are sick of me.
Just kick me down.
Don't let me back up,
Until I realize,
That I do have a good life.

I am loved,
I have food,
Clothes,
A house,
Everything I could want.
So why do I,
Continue to complain?

So tell me to shut up.
Tell me you are sick of me.
Just kick me down.
Don't let me back up,
Until I realize,
That I do have a good life.

cherish your childhood.

well i was told that a lot as a kid. am i still a kid, not as much as i would like to think. yes i act foolish and light hearted on the outside, but if someone was to explore my mind, they would probably discover it to be very dark. a gloomy place, where dreams and hopes are questioned and analyzed until they are just totally forgotten.

over the past few weeks i have had to grow up a little faster then i have wanted to. which makes me sad because now i have to become responsible. not just for grades, but my family. i have to take care of them now. have to make sure that my little brothers and mom haven't become depressed. try to help relive some stress from my mothers burden. and help my dad and grandfather to be comfortable.

so for my birthday honestly i just want one thing, for everyone that i love to be nice at least. no drama, no nonsense, no fights. that would just make everything so much easier for me. i know not everyone likes each other but if you could at least pretend not even for the whole day but 3 hours, i don't think that is asking too much...

you want an grand interance, well you sure got one

oh dear what's the date?
i am not sure.
days are lost to me.
they just pass by.
no memories.
no joy.
so what's the point?

i should be happy, but i am not.
things are looking hopeful, but i hopelessly depressed.
we should be celebrating, but i am sulking.


i don't know why i feel this way, but i do. yes, my grandfather is getting his surgery tomorrow, not sure if he is staying in the hospital or coming. then on thursday, my dad is going back to the cancer doctor to get an iv put in him, so that inserting kemo will be easier. he will be on kemo for 3 at first, the doctors will see if it is helping and then continue another 3 months. so a grand total of 6 months...but this is all just second hand information so i am not sure what is true and what is not.

so i should be happy about all that, but i don't know what to feel or think anymore. my headaches and nausea have returned. so they don't really help the whole concentration part.

it's time...

to do something so big,
that it can't be fixed.

she has been knocking at my door,
taunting me for years.
a little seductive smile.
oh no, i let her in.
what have i done?
do i care?
not anymore because she is here.

i really want to fuck my life up right now. eh crazy, maybe, but that's what i want to do. i want to hurt people, regret nothing, don't look back, laugh in peoples faces, in simple terms i want to be a bitch!

i am sick of people using me for their own gain and i ultimately wind up feeling terrible in the end, so i am done. see i just lied, i am way to much a nice person to do that. bloody hell i hate myself for that. i care too much about people. god...okay went to the er the other day, most people know what happened and i don't feel like typing the whole thing, but there is a wee bit more to that story then i said...

okay so i was waiting in the main room of the er, not where you sign in but in the back. okay, there is this cube area where all the nurses are, my grandfather wasn't in one the rooms. he was against one of the walls of the cube, facing the doors where the ambulances drop off people. oh wait it gets better, so i was leaning against the wall attempting to do some homework, well i couldn't after what i saw. so an ambulance pulled up, the paramedics were quickly getting this guy out the vehicle, most of the time they take their time. but not this time. this man was lying on the bed thing, he started to hyperventilate. shaking uncontrollably, his eyes where shut thanks goodness because i am sure they had a lot of pain in them. he was going to get sick is what one of the nurses yelled. another one yelled no! he is going into cardiac arrest. so right in front of me all this was happening, my grandfather didn't see it because he was laying down. i was terrified.

then right after that happened, really maybe 10 minutes later, this girl maybe 8 years old, red face, tears racing down her face. she was in a wheel car, with her right leg up, why? because her foot was gushing blood. it was a bullet wound.

personally i would hate to be in the medical career. dealing with diseases, trying to heal flesh and bones, and death. i would eventually wind up in a terrible depression. i admire doctors and nurses for these reasons. because they find the strength some where to deal with all this. so i thank them.

yes i did get a little off topic with this post. i will try to make a happy one next time.

second post of the day?:D

oh yes it is:] haha i love how my blog can be serious some times and then it can be very little hearted and cheerful. i LOVE IT!!!:D

anywho, besides that happy thought i have to say i love my friends. like eh they make me sooo happy. so justin and i were watching futurama, lol not together sadly:[ we will when we live together though:D so we were texting each other back and fourth repeating lines, pointing out random stuff twas awesome. and suddenly this thought occurred to me...futurama...MARATHON!!!!!! yeah amazing, i know xD but yeah we are going to save that one till summer because well its another thing to look forward to and hey most days one gets pretty bored during the summer.

also from watching tv saw the alice in wonderland trailer, well one i haven't seen. ohly shit!!!!:D that movie looks wicked! i really hope it will be as good as it looks, psh i know it will be. yeah deffly looking forward to seeing that haha.

wow i such a loser. rereading that i have a lot of smiley faces and ! whatever those are called i forget xD see there i go again.

oh man but yeah alice doesn't come out till march:/ so have to wait two weeks. which isn't that bad only have to go to school for three days now, yeah no school tomorrow. i am kinda sad about that because i kinda miss school. not the whole sitting in a chair for six hours ohly shit i have no clue how i have been able to do that for like ten years now xD but yeah i like going to see friends, talk to people i don't know yeah i am that kid haha i love talking to people though. and i am looking forward to this weekend too. possibly having a gathering with some cool kids on friday win! and then seeing wolfman on saturday with an extremely cool kid, okay i call everyone kid even if they are older then me xD but yeah funness:DDD

the week after that well is my birthday week...my mom keeps talking about it o.o like a few days ago she threatened she would hire some clowns, yeah i am terrified of clowns. but today she was all (in mom voice) "JACKIE!!!! why haven't you planned anything for your birthday? its in a week almost!" garrr blahblahblah so yeah she made more threats about clowns. so i had to...give in. she asked for a list of people that i would consider inviting. so i had a list of like twenty people i believe. then she wanted a few people's numbers. yet again with the threats, so i had to give them to her for my own good. lol. apparently this evil woman is planning something that involves laser quest, my friends, and possibly clowns o.o i hope no clowns.

but in all honestly i don't really want a big party, because well i don't want to spend that much money right now. for obvious reasons. but i mean maybe a small party i guess would be okay, or none at all hahaha i would be fine with that :D

banner??? hmm

lol so i was inspired by justin's banner, which i love:D i have loved them all. so i thought hey i want to make one. well not as good as justin's but hey i have one know and not too bad for the my first one if i say so myself xD

so many questions, but not many answers

they stand there with their hopeless faces.
wishing someone would show them the way.
maybe today,
maybe tomorrow.
but for now,
they don't know the way.

valentines day

-oh i love you
-i love you too. here is a box of chocolates,
i hope you get diabetes and die from this box of chocolates.
-wh, what?
-just eat the chocolates. MUAHAHAHA

okay sorry that was kinda weird but hey i thought it was funny.

anywho, valentine's day. ugh i hate this day so much. like why do we as humans force ourselves to this stupid, unnecessary, and evil day? personally if i could skip any day, like sleep the whole it would be this day, oh and probably whatever day i have my chem final...besides that, yeah people have very mixed feelings about this day. some people like me obviously don't like this day and find it unnecessary. others absolutely love it, and probably do find it be a holy day (hahaha get holiday xDD)

yes, i have a boyfriend and shouldn't find this day so evil. but hey this is the first time i have had a boyfriend on valentine's day and personally it wouldn't matter to me if i was single on valentine's day or in a relationship. because either way it sucks. it sucks if you are single because you want to be with someone, not necessarily in a relationship, but not alone. and well the way i see it in a relationship is okay, this is the only day i can prove that i really care for this person? fuck that. every day i like to prove that i genuinely care him, yeah if you are reading this you are one lucky bastard xDD oh lordy i am so kidding, tis deffly the other way around. i am lucky one<3

anywho enough of my stupid relationshipness thing, yeah i just don't see why getting someone a heart shaped box of chocolates, maybe a card, or some stuffed thing is showing that you love someone. hmm maybe its the thought that someone put behind it that shows they love their significant other, or well maybe that is how they show how they love someone. (please don't be the second one, yeah that's not good)

i don't know. i feel like i ranted enough about valentine's day for a long time. hell i am already sick of tying that holiday, so i am deffly done. haha i will try to keep with my random ranting at least every other day.

alright now i am done.

Pardon me, wanna live in a fantasy

reality is not my thing.
full of pain and sorrow,
words don't even begin to explain.
but simply, it hurts, and nothing is what i want.
does that make me selfish?
i just wanna live in fantasy,
where everything is made of dreams and hopes.
going to place like that,
does it make me selfish?


i have to say i am very thankful for having my friends in my life. especially yesterday, when i needed someone to talk to. thank you.

i know that i shouldn't bottle my emotions up but i do. it is just easier for me to act like everything is fine, go on with life. but that attitude made me sick. the week of midterms, the same week my dad was having his surgery. i made myself sick from not telling anyone how i feel. like legit sick, massive headaches, were i couldn't concentrate on things, and bad nauseate. even before that week i was sick, not the physical symptom way but hurting myself. yes, i did cut myself is that something i proud to display no. my scars remind me that i was weak, i refused to talk to anyone and that was my way of letting some emotions out. anger, sadness, confusion, and most of all fear. so i would look for distractions to ease my mind. and it worked for almost two weeks...

but then i made myself sick again, this time it was the physical symptoms and hurting myself. but this time a few friends noticed something was wrong. i talked to them, scared one, and hopefully became closer to them because i did open up in that way, which has always scared me. feeling vulnerable is not something i enjoy. but it did help.

later that night i was doing better, yes, but my grandfather noticed something was still wrong. he sat me down we talked lightly for an hour or so then he came down and asked how do you feel. like i really haven't been asked that question in the way he asked it. he wasn't looking for a quick answer, he sure as hell wasn't looking for nothing is wrong so i told him that i honestly don't know how i feel. like no joke i guess i had bottled my emotions for so long that i honestly had no clue which emotion was which. i felt like i child, just learning what emotions were. i told him i was scared of reality, scared that the worst is going to happen. that wasn't enough he wanted more of an answer, i didn't know what to say. but then he asked what if your father died, i asked what of it. he told me to say that aloud...well words are very powerful. i broke down. but just saying that aloud made me feel better and knowing that i am not alone in this frightful journey. i know everyone has said that they would do whatever they could to help, and now i believe it.

thank you. for everything

i am sorry

i realize out of everything i say, i say this the most. i am sorry ryad but i just couldn't last a week without saying this, hell i couldn't last one day. yes i fail and i am sorry, for everything. i just want to be forgiven.

is it wrong...

to want to escape your house, your family, all because you are selfish. you don't want to stay because they remind you of death, crushed dreams, dead hope. what do you do? when you can't. no one will give you an escape. how low would you sink? go into the deepest corners to find an escape, go to extremes, go places you never thought you would. lose a little bit of your soul either way, from staying or trying to find an escape. is it even worth it? it it wrong?

nothing makes sense

thought–noun
the capacity or faculty of thinking, reasoning, imagining, etc.

well lately mine haven't been making any sense (have they ever?) but like i will try to go to sleep for instance, and i can't because i am think about everything! like the few things i remember that happened that week, what am i doing with my life, random words that seem somewhat poetical, etc. and to make it better, they are jumbled up and they are super crazy and out of control...like hmmm, i can't concentrate on just one thing.

my thoughts
When i finally came down,
i landed on my ass with my hands held high,
waiting for you to pull me up
but you just passed on by

love, no two persons definitions are the same
or maybe they are, i don't know because i never asked two people
i always assumed it was something that i didn't need
didn't want, didn't deserve.
yes some say young people don't truly know what love is,
but what if we do?

new year?

yes i am a few days late but i have not been on my computer for a few days, so i am making a new year blog now.

so i am not about to talk about everything that happened this past year. it is called the past for a reason and that is where it is staying. i can say that even though there were a lot of crappy, shitty moments, they made me the person i am now. stronger. smarter. wiser. and all of those moments i would like to believe were balanced by very, very good moments with friends and family.

so am i looking forward to this new year? yes and no. i am honestly very afraid of this year, but at the same time i am looking forward to it.

i am afraid that things may have taken a change for the worse. terrified of what they are going to tell us. it is not looking so optimistic anymore. just being in my house for this one day and i have just wanted to escape to my room and cry. even though that won't help anything, i don't know what will help. i wish i knew what would help because of my nature of compassion this is killing me, just watching as he grows weaker each day. not sure if tomorrow is going to make things better or worse.

but with terrible stuff in life that we wish we could deal without comes the wonderful stuff that makes our days worth living and is the motivation that gets us out of bed each morning. i am happy to start this year off with amazing friends, new and old, that i know will always be there for me, even the worst times to come. i really do love them and would be lost without them.